I wanna break shit.
I’ve felt strange this whole summer. I feel like I’ve lost touch with reality, like I’ve lost all sense of causation and consequence, like I’ve been on autopilot for months now. I catch myself zoning out more and more often, out of touch with the world I’m in and the people around me. It’s kind of scary, to be honest, because it reminds me of how I was in high school, but I’ve written it off thusfar as an unfortunate, unavoidable reaction to the dullness and senselessness of my summer job.
Today, I caught myself zoning out at the wheel. I reacted too slowly to a driver stopping in front of me. Had all been normal, I would’ve been fine, but the road was slick with rain and I rammed into the car. Her vehicle was almost completely unscathed - her bumper was cracked - but the front of my car took significant damage. At first, I thought it was superficial, but upon closer inspection, the impact warped the steel frame of my car. The guts of the vehicle have shifted with the frame, and we can’t get the hood open to check the damage. It could be in near-perfect condition or it could be irreparably damaged. Even if it’s fine, the car needs body work, two fixed headlights and a new hood. My insurance will double and the driver’s bumper needs to be paid for.
Suddenly I am very much in touch with reality, and the reality is overwhelming. This could cost me several thousand dollars. All I have at present is $1,500, and I’ll walk away from this summer with $3,000 at most. I usually pay for a year’s membership at my BJJ school at the beginning of the fall semester, and that comes out to about $1,000. I don’t know if I can afford it. The trip to Japan I’d planned for next summer is off the table. I may need to get a weekend job, which would leave me less time to study, and I have Calculus this semester. I have no idea what I’m going to do.
I won’t know how much it’ll cost until we get an estimate from the body shop, and it doesn’t matter. It costs what it costs; it was out of my hands the moment the crash happened. All I can do is deal with the problems at hand in the present moment, and after spending so much time avoiding the present, that feels downright weird.